Change to became to be tough though…

i’m still struggling with my disorder and i have to take meds every day. Being that i’ll will have to take these for the rest of my life. but, I’m glad my mind and speech is slower and peace. I don’t get angry and reckless. I think before i act and things are more clearer. If i don’t take meds, i can feel the thoughts going faster and irritabilty increase. I don’t think everything is totally fixed i cant be my control. I have got to give it more time. I’m glad their are others out their with the same feelings and problems also how to feeling and understand too. yet, i can’t get over the fact that everything i thought was normal was actually abnormal in the eyes of the world around me.

anyways, I have insomnia for almost every day. when I am awake, I am running in my mind but totally still, touching things, watching things. I DON’T KNOW why because it is make me…stress out or something wrong with me. I find that everything screwed up in my life leads back to this stupid malfunction in my brain.
every time I just end up ruining my life. I’ve tried to commit suicide once as well. but I CANT do it again. because I am christian and I feeling it is sin of my life. I cant do it myself. I’m trying to stop commit suicide myself. and I can to be positive and just my thought trying going to against by the evil.

My parents always take me back and try to force to become a good girl like that, They love me, but enough is enough. so I felt so tired of them. I am giving up for my life. so…but i can accept and patience though.

the truth is I have suffer that people love me or not. I know everyone had fake two face with me or something fuck so sick of me. I don’t care about the people judge on me. honesty, I still love them. i don’t know why. i don’t understand why does people judge on the people or me.
on August, i argued with Sadie in my house because it make me stress out and irritate with her, I slammed the laptop down, scream with her. Just moments before was I completely euphoric or angry. I was going to stay up all night. Creating, making, painting, drawing, sewing. I am going to “show them” that I am not crazy, that I CAN make it. I NEED to prove myself. and i was calm down in laying the bed.

Turn on, I was increase emotional myself, something to change moody…I dont know why.

later, one of my best friend his name is Alvaro Garcia, I love him soo much. we were childhood since 5th grade and it was the best of memories of my life. now I am so proud of him, because finally he really love me alot. thats wonderful and impression for my heart from him. He know me a long time, and I know him too. one top of the bestest friend.

I will post on this later.

Not even with the way i look, but with the way i am.

I am fuckkkked uppp right now. feeling good. =D and the thing is i didnt even have a reason, like im actually happy. I am so overly. It’s insecure, not even with the way i look, but with the way i am. I dont want anyone to care about me, i dont like when people ask questions about me. I never have the answers, or the answers never right. Don’t tell me how i feel. I am so overly insecure i dont like being around girls. I am reserved and shy for their judgement means so little but their attitude changes mine.I am so overly insecure i dont think anyone should be with me. I pity the people that love me for i only let them down. The more i care. the less i show it. The more i care, the less you know it. im just a bit self concsious lately i feel just so…I dont know….like you can see into me so easily
that everything i do. everything i feel. it just is so obvious. i miss being able to hide my feelings
i just bring people down now

Life is one big road….

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live.

happiness does not seem to stay. it’ll come for a bit, then go away. true happiness is so hard to find-searching is driving me out of my mind. once more, i go through ups and downs-drastic changes of smiles to frowns. still, no tears have run down my cheek; i’ve learned how not to be so weak

Sometimes all you can do is not think. Not wonder. Not obsess. Not imagine. Just breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Everything works out in the end, and the more time you spend worrying about it, the longer it takes for things to end perfectly.. just the way they should.

It’s amazing the things you realize when you lose someone. You get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could have said a million times. You take for granted the days you spent doing nothing when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken, at any point in our lives, but we always wait until they’re gone to say the things we never had the courage to say.